Music:.The Ballad of Mary Magdalene - Dar Williams.
.It was fine, but it just fell apart.
I fell in love with a man a couple years ago and I find that I still have feelings for him. Who knows whether or not I've made the right decisions in resuming to feel for him, to interact with him, but I feel a definite sensation of growth and of depth. In him I see the things of which I aspire to contain. With him, I feel inspiration, hope, as well as longing. I think that maybe the things I endure while with him, although not dire as they once were, help me to find solace in what they may do for my efforts in adapting to autonomy. To have seen my own pain before anyone else's has given me a profound sense of grief. It is not my place to bestow a burden of concern for those who love me, for those who see me now with a sense of accomplishment and hope. In diverging from my life in Lillington to the now post James era, I have learned a great deal about the importance to catering to one's own happiness, to having one's own life separate and independent from those of whom we once believed to have fed us. Things are uncertain for me lately, the idea of resuming a broken relationship haunts me, but the idea of working together to rectify the bond between myself and a man who has been found, this is what gives me hope. In retrospect I had taken advantage of our relationship towards the middle and he during the latter part had taken advantage of me. Why the relationship ended, why he needed to be apart from me, I truly understand. I have forgiven him and most importantly I have forgiven myself. I trust that his intentions and his heart are always in the right motive. He has never laid a hand on me, and any mental abuse I may have endeavored surely was just a product of my own insecurities. But when it ended it broke me. I picked up the pieces of my life from where he left me, from where I was to begin again: a small room with pink walls and one lamp with a tattered shade. Apart from him I began to see who I was, who I wanted to be, but there was still the sensation of losing him that led me to unsavory actions and from each one I reflected upon it's consequences. I learned to love my family again and I gained new friendships and rekindled old ones which became more pertinent. I find hope in forgiveness in those who have trespassed against me, just as they forgive my trespasses against them. History may be repeating itself, however I feel I can change things this time around.